I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
