only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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