honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize