I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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