fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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