I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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