id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
