2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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