I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
