My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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