I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
