I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's like heaven, but drunker
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
