I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
