I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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