I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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