I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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