i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
