AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
