remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
