Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
