that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
