party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
