I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
