I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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