Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
