He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize