It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
