Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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