at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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