whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
