I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
