i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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