dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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