Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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