you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
