I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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