At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize