handjob tips. give me some.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm just crazy horny about you
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
