So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
