I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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