So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
this will be a night to untag.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
