shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
