I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
