Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
