dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
