I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
