I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
