We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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