I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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