i just wanna soil my oats bro
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
