I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
