So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I forgot wine drunk hurts
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
