I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
