If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize