Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
