if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
