He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
