i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
