I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize