Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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