Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just cropdusted the office
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She's the barista slut.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
